The Horrible Tale Of The Akatsuki
by A Clockwork Pumelo
Summary: Dedicated to Lychenne Laki and her story, Terrible Tale of the Akatsuki, and the fact that Valentines day SUCKS LOTS OF STUFF. A tale of Valentines day excess featuring LOTS of hilarious, non-kid-friendly things. Chapter 2 finally up! Mardi Gras!
1. Valentines Eve Madness

**The Horrible Tale of the Akatsuki**

**Or Valentines Day Sucks All Kinds Of Stuff**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**Dedicated to Lychenne Laki and The Terrible Tale of the Akatsuki, for writing that hilarious, truly creative and entertaining story, and inspiring me to write my first fan-fanfiction the Akatsuki live long and prosper in this vice-fueled fanfiction realm of goodness.**

**WARNING: Contains content unsuitable for children, conservatives, yaoi haters, and prudes. Basically, anyone not already familiar with fanfiction and the internet and it's horrible twisted perversion of the human mind. You have been warned.**

**All characters belong to Massashi Kishimoto.**

"Heyyy guys, can everybody guess what tomorrow is?" Pein grinned as he put an arm around Konan, squeezing her so close to him that she was nearly lost in the voluminous folds of his cloak. Five faces turned slowly, and five pairs of eyes glared with jealousy at their leader and the woman he was currently groping (none of them could see, exactly, as his hand had disappeared into the folds of her cloak, but from the distracted look on her face, they could tell_ something_ was up). Hidan was the first to speak up.

"Valentines day sucks." He removed the pike from his stomach with a wet, squelching sound, and drove it up underneath his ribs with a small cry, blood gushing over the couch he was draped on. All the others present nodded, except for Kakuzu, who was too busy watching Hidan's masochism with longing and holding a Kleenex over his nose to care. Pein surveyed the room full of discontented shinobi, quietly groping Konan's chestfor courage with one hand and waving the other in a 'whatever' gesture.

"Okay, fine. All of you can skip missions and go cry your miserable hearts out tomorrow for all I care. The only catch is that if you want to not be assigned to a mission, you're going to have to pick someone to cry _with_." Deidara looked up from the giant plate of cookies he had been shoveling into all three of his mouths, eyes red. It was amazing how Pein could get their attention if he really tried... _hehe, boobies..._ anyways... They were, for some reason, all looking confused at him. _Looks like I'll have to sort this out myself, since I am the leader... hehe..._

"Okay... Hidan, get that thing out of your chest and listen to me! You are partnered with Kakuzu, therefore he shall be your cry buddy. Deidara, you get Sasori, since he is washable in case you puke all over him. Umm... Tobi... you get Zetsu. Where is he, by the way?" Pein looked out the window, trying to spot Zetsu in the garden. No Zetsu.

"Zetsu-san is out in his greenhouse. He is talking to his plants and telling them he loves them. He told Tobi to get out of the greenhouse this morning because he was going to fertilize them." Tobi looked confused, head tilted to one side almost adorably. Deidara started laughing, hand-mouths chattering in mirth.

"Honestly Tobi, you do NOT want to know what Zetsu is doing to his plants. Really. This one time, I went out there and I saw him sticking his-" Deidara choked, turned pale, and ran for the loo. Pein cleared his throat, took a firmer hold on Konan's chest, and raised his voice, trying to drown out the sounds of Deidara's mouths puking in three-part harmony.

"Anyways, the point is that nobody should disturb Zetsu. Got it? Good. Tobi... go find something fun to do. Konan and I will be in my office. Do not disturb us. Address all questions and concerns to Animal path or Asura path. The other three will be... busy. C'mon Konan, let's go." He looked down at her and waggled his gingery eyebrows suggestively, nearly dragging her towards the stairs.

"Hehe... they's goin' ta go make shexy time." Everyone turned to Sasori, sitting naked on his cloak (he's a puppet, he can get away with it since he doesn't have naughty bits... or does he?) in the corner, a canister of varnish clutched in one hand and a paper bag in the other, clothes and various cans of solvents strewn around him. An idiotic grin was plastered across his puppet features and the chemical smell was horrendous. Tobi covered his eyes, although there wasn't much to see besides a lot of polished pine. Deidara limped back in from the bathroom, hand-mouths slightly open and making little sounds of misery.

"Whoa... Sasori's at it again, hmm?" He reached for the puppet, tried to haul him to his feet, and gave up, sitting down beside his wooden friend, but not too close because of the smell. Hidan raised his head, looked around, and shoved the pike back into his chest, making a new stab wound as he settled into a blood-loss induced stupor. Tobi headed for the gaming den. He'd just bought Grand Theft Auto 14: Sunagakure yesterday, and he was dying to kill some hookers... it's hard pretending to be a bumbling idiot all day when you're actually an evil mastermind, and some stress relief was definitely in order. Out on the couch, Kakuzu tried to hide the fact that he was watching Hidan by grabbing a newspaper and shuffling it over his face.

"Your newspaper is upside-down... and it's breathing... Teeheeheehee..." Sasori sat up, pointing an unsteady hand at Kakuzu and spilling polyurethane all over the carpet. A muttered 'f**k', and the newspaper hastily righted itself. All was silent for a few minutes, until footsteps were heard coming down the stairs. Who was it? Konan? Pein?

"Heyyy'all...guess whats goin' ta be here soon herrmmm?" In a rolling wave of smoke, Itachi stumbled into the room, falling down the last half dozen stairs to land face first in front of Deidara, who cringed and scooted rapidly away from the addled, red-eyed monster and into Sasori, spilling the rest of his jar of chemicals all over both of them.

"F***in' ey! Deidara-baka, don't spill my sholvents! You're gonna pay for new varnishes and hey, what's with Itachi, he looks all funny. Hey Itachi, you been smokin' again?" Itachi nodded, a bong sliding out of his cloak as he picked himself up off the floor and shattering, drenching everyone in musty, foul water.

"F***...ing ay... yeah, but the bottle too... anything to eat around here?" Hidan groaned from the sofa as the pike found yet another home in his chest. Deidara pointed to the kitchen.

"There might be some dry ramen left... my hands don't like it. But yeah, what did you say was gonna happen here? Does it involve drugs? Because if it does, I'm in for once. Valentines day really _does_ suck. Friggen' Pein, he get Konan all to himself..." Itachi nodded, and stumbled off to the kitchen, leaving a trail of sake bottles behind as they fell out of his cloak. Hidan picked one up, breaking the end on the coffee table and adding it to the array of weapons already lodged in his thoracic cavity.

"Oh, f*** yes... Jashin-sama... unhhhh..." Kakuzu shifted on the couch, trying to hide his crotch with the newspaper. "Oh, come on Kakuzu, you know you want this! Ohhhh..." The others looked away as the priest slowly withdrew the bloody pike from his stomach, arching and groaning and coughing up blood in sweet, sweet agony as Kakuzu's face got redder and redder. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Kakuzu snapped, leaning in to pull out the various kunai from Hidan's body before falling upon him and locking lips with the immortal. Itachi came back from the kitchen carrying a plate piled high with dango and a new bong, proceeded to put a wad of questionable plant matter in it and took a hit, blowing the smoke at the zombie brothers.

"That's kinda hot. I mean, look at that tongue! I haven't seen anyone do that since Orochimaru gave me a-" he realized everyone, aside form the two being discussed were staring at him. "Oh, hehe. Nevermind. But dang..." He scooted closer on the floor, shoveling dango into his mouth with one hand and working the lighter with the other as the two began to roll about, making the flimsy couch squeak. Sasori whistled, and glanced over at Deidara, who quickly removed his hands from his pants and grinned sheepishly. The moment was ruined when three bodies came crashing down the stairs, one after another, Kisame, Pein, and finally Konan, who bounced and landed on the sofa next to the two immortals, immediately enthralled with their... umm... antics.

"Wow... I never knew you two were like that... lemme get my camera-it's yaoi-fest tonight!" She stumbled off, pupils huge and cloak askew, showing enough skin to get an R rating in any movie. Pein rolled off Kisame and into the puddle of bong water and varnish, unaware of anything except the fact that he was high as a freaking kite and he was going to get even higher shortly.

"Guys... if anyone knocks, answer the door... duuuuude you're all purple..." Deidara, being the only sober one, made note of that, and not to let Zetsu eat whoever Pein was expecting. At this point, Konan wobbled back into the room, camera gripped firmly in both hands and a demented grin splitting her face.

"Smile for the camera, b****es!" She started snapping photos left and right, blinding everyone in the process.

"Auuughhh!" "My EYES!" "You're F***ING PURPLE KONAN! PURPLE!" "Ouch!" "F*** you!" "I F***ING INTEND TO!" Everyone went quiet, and Hidan and Kakuzu looked up, hands jammed into all sorts of unmentionable places (one of which was deep in Hidan's rib cage), finally aware of the world around them. The Akatsuki had never seen Hidan turn pink before this day, and never would again. Both the immortals removed their hands from their former residences and sat up, Hidan leaning on Kakuzu, weak from blood loss. The doorbell rang. Kakuzu's hands began to creep towards Hidan again. Kisame lurched over to the door, the smell of vodka rolling after him. It was Kabuto.

"Umm... hello? Did... did I come at a bad time?" He stuttered, pushing up his glasses and surveying the room full of people in various states of intoxication or fornication with some horror. "Uh, yeah... I'll just leave these here." He placed two small packages on the shelf next to the door and fled as fast as his feet would carry him back to the sound village, scarred for life. Too bad he was the only psychiatrist in the Sound Village.

Itachi giggled as he made his way over to the deliveries, picking the larger of the two packages up. The label read "Grade AAA+ Medical Cannabis, for use in treating glaucoma". Itachi grinned, and ripped open the package, inhaling the magical scent of his favorite plant. "Kisame! Get your lazy blue butt in here! We got some good s*** tonight! Aces!" He picked up the other package and tossed it to Pein. "Here's your white s***. Have fun!" He grabbed Kisame by the collar and proceeded to drag him up the stairs, packing a fresh bong-load with the other hand. Within minutes, smoke was pouring down the stairwell and making everyone feel a bit weird.

"Are there any cookies left?" Deidara whined from his seat on the floor next to Sasori, who had found another tube of some nameless solvent and was applying it liberally up his nostrils. He flopped over into Deidara's lap, eyes hazy and crossed, but still somehow managing to give off a sexy, come-hither look.

"I don't eat. I'm a f***ing puppet. Leave me alone." The paper bag emptied and Sasori slumped further across the bomber's legs. "You have pretty hair, Dei-Dei-chan. Can I tousch it?" He petted the soft, golden hair over Deidara's eye, dislodging the scope and letting it fall into the blond bomber's lap, while said bomber processed what Sasori had just called him.

"Yeah, you can call me Dei-Dei-chan whenever you like, Sasori-danna." The paper bag crinkled inward again and Sasori giggled up at the blue-eyed terrorist, swishing his fingers clumsily through blond hair for a few seconds before passing out completely. Deidara removed the tube of solvent from the puppet's hand and recapped it before hoisting the redhead up to drape across his chest as he groped for a pillow on the couch. Pein re-entered the room, carrying an unconscious and more-than-half-naked Konan in his arms, white powder smeared over both their faces.

"Aww, aren't they cute? Konan? Wake up Konan." He shook her gently, waking her up, and then stumbled up the stairs. Deidara didn't want to know what the noises coming from upstairs were... or why there were so many of them. And he really didn't want to know what was going on over on the couch. Unfortunately, Hidan and Kakuzu were giving running commentary, and it was kind of turning him on. "Hey, Sasori, can you walk?" The puppet giggled a bit, hugging Deidara around the waist. "No? Do you want me to carry you up in pieces?" Sasori's eyes snapped open halfway, still crossed as he shook his head. Neither of them knew how they got upstairs, but both were grateful for it. Or at least they would be the next morning, when they found what was left of the couch after Kakuzu's tentacles were through with both it and Hidan...

When Deidara woke up the next morning to his hand mouths chewing on his ears, the sights he saw in the living room sent him running over to the phone, fumbling to dial Kabuto's number. "We need a qualified psychiatrist here now! And a surgeon! Oh, gods, it's horrible!"

Kabuto's eye gave a convulsive twitch. "What's horrible?"

"Zetsu joined in..."


	2. Mardi Gras!

**Akatsuki Shorts And Other Unmentionables**

**Chapter 2**

**Mardi Gras/St. Patrick's Day**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**I'm going to do two holidays in this chapter because, well, I couldn't think of enough stuff for Mardi Gras alone. Like seriously, it's just the party before the beginning of Lent. Easter? I might get around to it eventually. But Mardi Gras and St. Patricks Day come first.**

**As usual, this story is not suitable for anyone who's mind has not already slipped off the gutter and is on its merry way to the sewage treatment plant (which by the way, my mind owns and operates), and contains disturbing content, lots of words that had to be replaced with asterisks, and semi-graphic disgustingness and depravity. Read at your own risk.  
**

"DEIDARA! Get you hands out of the f***ing cookie dough, you fat little b****!" Deidara's hand-mouths came out of the tub of Chocolaty Fudge-Blasted Goop-Cookie Dough (limited edition, from Grass country), slobbering and gasping, tiny jaws glued shut with chocolaty goodness. The blond bomber turned big, blue goggle-eyes up to Sasori and let his lower lip stick out in a perfect puppy-dog pout.

"But Sasori-danna, you're not gonna eat the cookies 'cause you're a puppet. Why do you care, hmm?" In the blink of an eye, Sasori was out of his armchair, and the tub of cookie dough was shoved onto Deidara's head like an oversized, chocolate-filled hat.

"Because you're a fat b****, that's why." The redheaded puppet flopped back down in his new Lazy Boy and raised a pungent smelling bottle to his nose taking a big huff. Itachi stumbled by, plate of dango teetering dangerously in one hand while the other lit the hastily-rolled-cigarette-of-random-materials dangling from his lower lip. Seeing Deidara, he giggled and stretched out a leg, pushing the struggling blond over onto his back and splattering globs of cookie dough on the carpet. Seeing Sasori, the Uchiha found a place for his plate of dango and hopped up to perch on the arm of Sasori's Chair, eyes locking onto the flickering television screen.

"Ohhhhhh Wooden Chef... I didn't know you could do that with a rolling pin..." Sasori turned his head nearly all the way around like an owl, glaring at the interruption of his favorite food-porn show.

"Why are you sitting on _my _Chair?" Itachi finally succeeded in lighting his joint, and blew a billowing cloud of smoke into the puppet's face.

"Just because... Why shouldn't I?" Itachi leaned back onto the cushion of the chair and began to blow smoke rings, waving his joint and getting ash on the upholstery. Deidara squirmed on the ground, trying in vain to free himself from the sticky mess of cookie dough.

"Because, f*** you Itachi." Sasori pulled the reclining lever and dumped the red-eyed nuisance, lit rollie and all, onto the floor with a crash.

"Get your dango and leave me be. You're welcome to take Deidara-baka too while you're at it." The bottle came out again, and Sasori took another huff, spreading the solvent smell around him and slumping farther into _his_ chair. As Itachi got up to find his dango, Sasori's arm flopped out and sent the plate falling to the carpet, where Itachi promptly stepped on one of the skewers and screamed.

"Oww! OWW OWW OWW!" the lit joint fell to the floor, where it too was promptly stepped on, doubling the volume of Itachi's cursing. Deidara, meanwhile, had freed himself from the cookie dough container and was laughing, mouth-hands licking and chewing on his hair as he held them over his ears.

"Haha Itachi, un! I thought Kisame was lying when he said you were blind!" As if on cue, the heavy footfalls of the blue menace rang throughout the Akatsuki sitting room, followed by the azure man himself in a wafting miasma of vodka fumes. Scooping Itachi up in one arm, he glared drunkenly at Sasori, swaying on the spot.

"F***in' puppet..." He muttered before pulling the skewer out of Itachi's foot and throwing it at Sasori, missing by a good four feet. The puppet and the bomber just stared in silence as the huge shark-man disappeared up the stairs with Itachi over his shoulder, muttered profanities drifting in his wake. The moment of silence was broken by Zetsu as he emerged from the ground... directly under Deidara.

"_I have a message from Lea- _**whoa... fancy that, Deidara **_**is**_** a boy**."

"Ack! Get off me, un!" But it was too late. The barbed Venus flytrap had already shredded through his robe, as well as the crotch of his pants. As Deidara scrambled to cover what was left of his modesty, there was a crash, a bang, and the sound of Pein's voice, wild and giddy.

"Hey guys! Guess what Konan made for us!" In a flurry of paper the two of them appeared, completely naked save for the tiny paper hats they were wearing on various R-rated parts. Both of their pupils were huge, Pein's spinning in opposite directions and giving him a crazy, drug-addled look... exactly what he was going for. Konan was clinging to him, riding piggy-back and giggling over his shoulder, hair disheveled and dusted with some sort of white powder. Everyone stared, including Zetsu.

"_Whoa... _**That's interesting... **_I probably won't want to be around for this... _**Nonsense, this is awesome...**" Half of the plant-man melted into the ground, dragging the other half down towards the carpet, cursing. Both Pein and Konan stood, transfixed as the last teeth of the Venus flytrap merged with the ground, the silence only broken by the continued munching sounds that emanated from where Deidara sat.

"You. Fat. _B****." _Sasori peered, cross-eyed over his chair, glaring at the chocolaty mess in the corner. "Where the _hell _did you get those potato chips?" The puppet squinted, trying to focus on Deidara long enough to throw something at him, but to no avail.

"It's Mardi Gras, duh. We have to get rid of all the fatty stuff in the house. I'm just doing my part." He grinned with all three hands, potato chip bits falling to the carpet.

"What's that? It sounds fun! Can I take pictures of it?" Konan wrapped her arms tighter around Pein's neck, choking him in her white powder-fueled enthusiasm. "Nobody move, I'll get my camera!" Pein made a sort of choked laugh, and grabbed Konan by the waist before she could get away.

"Chill, paper doll... Mardi Gras is just a time to have..." He pulled her close, backing her against a nearby wall, "fun... ya know?" Sasori swiveled his head around to get a better view of what Leader was doing to the only female in the hideout, and caught sight of Deidara working his eye-scope madly, taking pictures left and right. Finally, just as things were getting really interesting, the Wooden Chef show ended, sending the television set into a screeching stream of commercials and queueing Pein to stop kissing Konan and look around.

"What are you two looking at? Konan... let's take this upstairs, like right now." He turned, gave the television one last disgusted glance, and began to pull her up the stairs with him.

"But I wan to take some friggen' pictures! Let me go or you'll rip me!" Deidara got in a few more shots of Konan's cleavage as she struggled to get free.

"Damn right I'm going to rip you, I'll rip you up like a phone book, Paper doll!" Their mad, intoxicated laughter trailed up the stairs as Sasori flipped off the television, reaching for another can of dust-off with his other hand.

"Ugh, look at them. Look at them, carrying on like that... like they're the only people who matter... I hate my life... I hate you, Deidara... but not really. You're always there for me," The puppet stuck the nozzle of the dust-off can up one wooden nostril, "You're like the girlfriend I never had... or a brother... or a hot step-sister... I don't even know. It's hard, being a puppet." He slumped, half-conscious, into the Lazy Boy and the remote dropped to the floor with an audible thunk. _So sad_, thought the blond bomber,_ being a puppet. I'll bet he'd give anything to be a real boy again_. Brushing the golden locks from his left eye, he focused and clicked the shutter on the scope. He didn't know why, but he wanted to preserve that look on the puppet's face, the gentle frown and slack face. It was like a piece of art, fleeting and transient as emotions are, and yet the puppet and his loneliness were almost indestructible, eternal in his solitude and sadness... covering his friend in a fuzzy blanket, the bomber crept for the kitchen, hands in pockets to dampen the clicking of their teeth. As long as nobody was home, he was going to raid the freezer.

"_I won fair and square. Fork over the cash_."

"**No. You bet on whether he was a 'man' not simply male. I'm telling you, that is by no means a man. A boy maybe, a man, no.**"

"_You are such a liar. Quit arguing semantics and just acknowledge that I won the bet_."


End file.
